——写给处于时代夹缝中的基督徒的自白与鼓励
文 / HuSir

　　我一直在想，上世纪六十年代末的我，为什么总像踩在一个时代节点的缝隙上。
　　我小学时正好是五年制的最后一批，初中赶上两年制改成三年，高中从两年制变为三年制，我也是第一届。再到大学，前一届还包分配，而我们那一届开始要“自谋职业”。我联系工作单位几乎是第一批走出校园、自己找工作的大学生。

　　我找到了工作，是一家不错的化工生产企业，但比起齐鲁石化那样规模的企业，我所在的企业就是个中型企业。在那里工作了八年，工资几乎没涨，后来应聘到一家国内通信企业，但总觉得它永远比当时老牌通讯运营商差一点，要什么没什么，业务资源上处处受限制、被卡脖子。我努力工作，却始终在“第二等的舞台”上拼搏。几年后公司被并购了，新的公司还是没能超过那家“第一流”的强者。我心里常常发问：为什么我总是出于“差一点的公司”？为什么我总在转折点、却没有站在最优的位置？

　　不仅在制度和环境变动的节点上，每次职务竞聘我也总是差了一点似的。竞上的人似乎哪里都比我更合适，虽然我心里不服气，更是对他们的某些做派并不认可。多年的经历下来，我发现自己心里总有一块地方放不开，那就是自己的所谓虚荣心在作祟，总是觉得“心理上过不去”。

　　于是我用世人的眼光、别人的评价来衡量自己：我的单位排名如何？我的薪资是否匹配？我的岗位是否体面？在这些衡量标准里，我经常觉得自己处在“劣势”但却有因着自己的脸面不愿意承认这一切。

　　但有一天，我忽然意识到，我在抱怨的同时为什么从未站在另一个角度思考呢？我很少真正学会过感恩，感谢上天在我的各个年龄阶段里赐予我的已经得到的那些，很少数算神给我的恩典。祂没有让我身处风头浪尖，却也从未让我在风暴中沉没。祂为我预备的每一个时间节点，不是让我去比较谁更优越，而是让我更认真、更谦卑、更真实地跟随祂。我们原是他的工作，在基督耶稣里造成的，为要叫我们行善，就是　神所预备叫我们行的。(以弗所书 2:10 和合本)

　　我发现，当我天天说“要跟随耶稣的脚步”时，我的内心却仍在抗拒祂的安排，仍然用世俗的成功法则来评判我的人生。那种不甘与抱怨，其实不是因为我真的失败了，也不是因为我真的遭受了不公，而是因为我没有信靠那安排我生命路径的主。

　　这是多么渺小、多么可笑的心态啊！

　　我知道我不是一个特例。在中国社会，像我这样的人太多了。我们在体制中沉浮，幻想着如果生在欧美，也许会更自由、更公平；我们怀才不遇地自怜，却忘记了自己已经得着的是什么。我们浪费时间在对命运的抱怨上，却没有回转到神的脚下。

　　但亲爱的弟兄姊妹，我们不是孔乙己，不是躲在破屋里自我麻醉的失败者。我们是神的儿女。神让我们生在中国，有祂的美意。

　　即便是在共产党统治之下，即便在一个不鼓励属灵自由、不承认信仰价值的制度中，我们依然可以成为那“在墙角生长的花”，成为主为这片土地所留下的种子与见证。

　　我们不是为了评判谁作恶、谁掌权而活着，而是要用自己的一生告诉这个世界：神是我的主，我的意义不在于位置高低，而在于我是否忠实地顺服圣灵的引导。

　　这不是自我安慰，而是真理中的自由。

　　因为我知道，现在的这一切，不是神对我的亏欠，而是我对祂信心的迟缓、不完全。

　　当我明白这一点，我不再咒骂环境，不再责怪命运。我开始思想：在这被我嫌弃过的国家，我能不能发一点光？在这曾让我不满的岗位上，我能不能留下主的馨香之气？

　　我曾经浪费的岁月，神或许会替我赎回；我曾错过的机会，祂会让我在别处开花结果。

　　只要我此刻回转，祂就仍然带我走上成圣的道路。

　　亲爱的朋友，如果你也像我一样，曾经觉得自己总是“差了一点”，总是在时代的夹缝中挣扎，请你不要灰心。

　　你没有错过神。你正在祂的计划里。

　　抓住现在，跟随耶稣的脚步，不再用别人的标准看待自己，而是活出祂眼中的价值。愿我们都不再抱怨、不再浪费，而是在每一个“看似被耽误”的位置上，忠心地活出那真正不被动摇的信仰。

　　因为，我们不是为了“成功”而生，而是为了“跟随基督”而活。

　　——愿你我都在此刻开始，活出那个被神定义的人生。阿们。

Why Has God Placed Me on This Land?

— A Testimony and Encouragement for Christians Caught Between Eras
By HuSir

I have often wondered why, born in the late 1960s, it feels as if I continually land in the cracks of every major shift in our society.

When I was in elementary school, I was among the very last class in the five-year system. By the time I reached middle school, the curriculum was extended from two years to three—and I was in that first three-year cohort. High school likewise changed from two to three years just as I entered. In college, the previous graduating class still received guaranteed job placements, but my cohort became the first to “find our own work.” I was among the first batch of graduates knocking on employer doors.

I eventually landed a position at a solid chemical-manufacturing plant, but compared with giants like Qilu Petrochemical, mine remained a mid-sized company. After eight years with virtually no salary increase, I moved into a domestic telecom firm—only to discover it, too, would forever rank a notch below the established operator. Resources were limited, and every project felt “choked.” I strove diligently, yet remained on the “second-tier stage.” A few years later my company was merged, but the new entity still could not overtake the industry leader. I found myself asking: Why am I always in the “almost” company? Why, at every turning point, do I never occupy the prime position?

It wasn’t just institutions and industries. Every time I competed for a promotion, I fell just short. Those who succeeded seemed better fit in every way—though I often disagreed with their style. Over the years I realized a stubborn pride kept me from admitting defeat: behind my complaints lay a vanity I could not shake.

So I measured myself by the world’s standards—company ranking, salary level, the “face” of my title. By these yardsticks, I always felt disadvantaged, yet too proud to confess it.

Then one day I woke up to a different perspective: When did I ever pause to count my blessings? How rarely had I thanked God for what He had already given me at each stage of life! He never placed me under the limelight, yet He never let me drown in the storm. Every one of those historical “nodes” was not meant for me to compare myself with others, but to learn to follow Him with greater humility and authenticity.

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works,
which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”
(Ephesians 2:10, NKJV)

Still, I caught myself preaching, “Follow in Jesus’ footsteps,” even as I inwardly resisted His plan—persisting in my worldly success metrics. My dissatisfaction was not from real injustice, but from not trusting the One who charted my course.

How small, how laughable!

I know I am not alone. Countless brothers and sisters in China drift through systems, dreaming that life might be freer or fairer in the West, nursing self-pity and ignoring their blessings. They waste precious time complaining at destiny instead of returning to the Lord’s feet.

But dear friends, we are not tragic figures hiding in taverns like Kong Yiji. We are God’s children. He placed us in China with a purpose.

Even under a regime that curtails spiritual freedom and discounts faith, we can still be flowers blooming in the corner, seeds of testimony planted by the Lord on this soil.

We were not born to judge who is wicked or who holds power. We were born to tell this world with our lives: God is my Lord. My worth does not lie in rank, but in faithful obedience to the Holy Spirit.

This is not mere self-comfort; this is freedom in truth. I now know that everything I experienced is not God’s failure to provide, but rather my slowness and incompleteness of faith.

When I grasped that, I ceased cursing my circumstances and blaming fate. Instead I asked: In this nation I once scorned, can I shine a little light? In a post I once resented, can I leave behind the fragrance of Christ?

The years I wasted—God may yet redeem them. The opportunities I missed—He may cause me to bloom elsewhere. If I turn now, He will still lead me on the path of sanctification.

Dear friend, if you too feel you are always “just a bit short,” trapped in the cracks of history, do not lose heart. You have not missed God. You are right where He intends.

Seize the present. Follow Jesus’ steps. Reject the world’s measures. Live out the value He sees. Let us no longer complain or squander our days, but in every “seemingly delayed” station, faithfully display an unshakeable faith.

Because we were not born for mere success,
but for following Christ.

— May you and I begin now to live the life God Himself has defined for us. Amen.